When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There r osticjed everywhere
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
