You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
