May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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