it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize