do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The uberlube is also flammable
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
