By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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