the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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