FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
