it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
