today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
