so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize