im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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