We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
