I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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