Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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