My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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