You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
