if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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