I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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