She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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