I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
