dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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