Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
