a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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