I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
