Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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