Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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