Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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