Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I supernannyed him into submission
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