my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
