she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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