In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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