my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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