Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
