well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
