i wish peter jackson would direct porn
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize