she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is it penis luge time yet?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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