So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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