so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
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