I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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