I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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