So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
