There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
