she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
