Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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