now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
