my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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