you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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