sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
