____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
