Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Everything about him screamed your future.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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