Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize