I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize