I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
don't judge my taste in strippers
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
