Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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