She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
