I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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