omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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