does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
